Before I begin Part II, I wanted to direct your attention to a new page I added on my blog, “The Book Shelf.” There you will find books I have read and made a lasting impression on me. If you click on the title of the book it will take you directly to amazon and you can learn more. If you are reading this post through your email click on the title of my post and it will take you to my actual blog and you will see the new page. I hope you find this helpful and will enjoy some of the books!
When I was eight-years-old and in third grade, a woman at the church I attended approached me and asked me a question that changed my life. “Would you like to sing on Christmas Eve?”
I remember turning to my mom and saying, “Mom, am I a good singer?”
I never considered singing in front of people until that moment. I always loved to sing. I constantly made up songs and recorded myself on my tape recorder — you remember those, right?
My mom assured me that, yes, I was a good singer. I sang my first solo in 1983 and I will never forget that moment. The dream of being a rock star took root in my heart and I was sure I would be a superstar one day.
Since I am a music teacher and a worship leader you might think this was a positive thing in my life.
There was one problem.
I discovered a new way to get the attention that I no longer received from my abuser. I found acceptance when I preformed well and I felt like I had power to make people like me.
I remember counting how many people told me I did a good job after church. If ten people told me I did a good job one time and only eight people told me I did a good job the next, I grew sad. I beat myself up for not doing as good of a job as I did the last time. My identity hung on the approval of people and constantly doing better.
My hungry little heart thrived on that attention, on being good enough. Yet, I still never felt like I was enough. I needed to keep doing better, perform more, get more pats on the back.
I would never be able to satisfy that desire, but I would continue to look for satisfaction. I knew performing was my ticket. Performing would make me good enough and people would love me.
I had some hard lessons to learn.
My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you — I, whom you have redeemed. Psalm 71:23
I told you I wanted to be a rock star when I grew up. What about you, what did you want to be?