I still had not shared with Patrick that I had been with the man a second time.
I also knew I needed to ask God for forgiveness.
Fear filled me with the thought of both these things.
Would Patrick leave me when he found out I lied to him again?
And would God forgive me? Wonder if I kept screwing up?
The morning of June 15th I opened my Bible and prayed.
The words finally formed in my mind and I did ask God to forgive me.
That same day we left on a vacation we had planned several months before. We debated about going but decided to do it for the kids.
We headed to Pennsylvania.
Without a laptop. And that was before our phone had internet. This made it impossible for me to be in contact with the other man.
This trip turned out to be the best and worst trip of our lives. So much pain came to the surface and so much healing took place.
I began to develop a deeper relationship with Jesus. As I read His word’s they spoke directly into my heart. My quiet time was very extended. I spent at least one to two hours everyday praying and reading.
I remember reading one verse that almost shocked me. Psalm 147:3 NIV He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I read that verse again and again.
Really Lord? I am brokenhearted, are you close to me? You will bind up my wounds?
Now keep in mind, I was still under complete denial that my abuse played any role in my behavior. I believed my wounds were from what I did to Patrick.
My wounds were much deeper.
Also, during this trip I started to read the book I referred to last week His Princess Bride. The first love letter talked about God being my eternal Husband and I His bride. The second letter said I was beautiful.
I wanted to believe so badly. But could it be true? Did God still see me as beautiful even though I was covered with sin?
I put so much emphasis on my outward appearance I neglected the inside, my heart and soul. I felt intimidated around women who were beautiful. I hated that feeling and did what I could to look my best.
But God’s word says:The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.Psalm 45:11 NIV
I searched for that affirmation from men but I didn’t search for it from my Heavenly Father.
I saw that God’s Word truly was a love letter to me. To everyone.
One night I finally confessed to Patrick that I had been with the man a second time.
I was so afraid.
Guess what he did?
He held me and told me he forgave me.
What kind of love was this? I didn’t know this kind of love. It was foreign to me. I always worked for love. I had to prove myself.
Yet, here I was, in my darkest moment, and my husband lavished love on me. Undeserved.
I remember thinking I saw Jesus in Patrick’s eyes. I truly did.
Make no mistake, things weren’t perfect.
We had our moments when we could barely stand to be around each other. Patrick would start to ask questions I didn’t want to answer.
There were even moments when I had fleeting thoughts like, “Maybe I can be both people. Maybe I can still be with the other man and still be married.”
How messed up is that?
Then I looked at my family. My husband and children. I knew that was the life I wanted. I wanted my family. I wanted a life of obedience to God.
But a war raged inside me. A fight took place every day. A battle for right thoughts verses wrong thoughts.
I learned to lean on God more each day, without Him I never would have survived that week.
Deanna called me a few times to see how I was doing and just to be an encouragement. What an awesome friend.
The picture above is one we took that week. I believe we are outside the Hershey factory. When you look at that picture you see a happy mom with her two kids.
I see the pain hiding behind my eyes. The confusion and torment. I had no idea what my life would look like after that trip.
But God knew.
I was His and He was drawing me back.
Back into His arms.
Back to my husband.
Back to the foot of the cross.
A song that spoke to me that week was Revelation by Third Day. I needed a revelation big time.
Before we came home from that trip Patrick asked me to email the man and end things. I agreed, but my rebellious side, the side that wanted to maintain a sense of power, the side that was tired of men telling her what to with her life, developed a plan. A plan that almost completely ended my marriage.
Have you ever seen Jesus through the actions or words of another person in an undeniable way?