Patrick and I realized we needed time to be us. To get away and just be a couple. We love our children, but married people need time for just the two of them.
We had seen a Bed and Breakfast several times called The Claddagh. The Claddagh is an Irish ring. Actually, our first Christmas together Patrick gave me a Claddagh. We thought it fitting to go away for a night and stay at the Claddagh since we both always wanted to check it out.
We enjoyed a lovely time together. I can’t say things were normal, things were better than ever. Our marriage before the affair was not a picture of what God desired. He wants so much more for His children. Patrick and I were just beginning to grasp God’s design for marriage.
A wonderful thing occurred on the morning we were leaving. Patrick was in the shower and I walked out onto the balcony that adjoined our room.
The sun shone bright and trees surrounded the property. I leaned against the railing and took in the wonder of it all. I praised God for His beautiful creation. I praised Him for my husband who loved me after all I had done.
Sadness filled me. I hated what I did to Patrick. I hated that girl who could be so selfish.
“Lord, am I a horrible person?”
“Am I just bad?”
“Will I never be good enough?”
“Will I always be an adulteress?”
“Who am I?”
A breeze tickled my ear and I felt the Lord speak to my heart, “You are none of those things. You. Are. Mine.”
For the first time, since all this began, I believed Him.
I am His. And He is mine.
That moment changed me.
I finally let go of the lies and embraced the truth my Savior held out to me.
Those words are not just for me. They are for all.
Someone needs to hear that today. Someone reading this needs to believe those words desperately. You are His. Nothing else matters.
After that moment I seemed to grow more aware of God’s voice.
During a prayer time with Him I felt a whisper in my heart again.
Yes, I have always wanted to write but life kind of got in the way of that dream.
In one of my many journals I wrote a list of life goals when I was in middle school. I had marked off every one…
Become a teacher
Sing on Broadway (I didn’t sing on Broadway but I was a soloist in Carnegie Hall, so I figured the was close enough)
Royal Singer (anyone who graduated from the same high school as me will know what that is)
Lead in music
All where checked except: Become published.
Why now, Lord?
“Now you are ready.”
Up until this point I never looked at my abuse, I never dealt with my brokenness. Now God gave me a command to take my pain and help other women.
I saw women in a new way. Instead of judging them, as I did many times, I looked deeper. I saw their brokenness.
How many other women where like me?
How many marriages where in trouble?
How many women had been abused and never told anyone?
I knew when the time was right, I would be ready to share, because God gave me the command.
The dream to write came back to life and I shared this dream with others.
Now I just needed to convince my logical husband that this made sense.
Thankfully, the Christian Writers Guild offers courses for credit. Because I could use the credits to renew my teaching certificate Patrick agreed that this could work. Totally God, appealing to my husband’s planning side and my dreamer side. We decided to wait until January to enroll and by February of 2010 I received my course. But I am getting way ahead of myself.
After the “write” whisper, God invaded my thoughts.
Shortly after my world fell apart in June, I began jotting down scripture in a tiny notebook. On August 12, 2009 I wrote in the back of that notebook something that was not scripture. What I wrote still sends my heart in double time.
“I have a wonderful plan for you. Stay in my arms and I will lead you to it.”
I believe God spoke this to me. This message was only the beginning.
On August 14 I wrote: “I walked with you today along the beach and we laughed together. I was filled with joy. ‘I love you dear one’.”
“I love you dear one” are the words God spoke to me.
I thought maybe I was going crazy. Was I making this stuff up? Did people really have encounters with Christ like this?
But this sense for me.
My emotional and physical affair all began in my mind. God knew what I needed. He showed up in my mind in highly visual ways, in ways He knew I would understand.
After this two tiny encounters they grew more elaborate. I would like to share one or two with you next week.
Remember, God speaks to everyone in a unique way. The way His showed Himself to me is not the way He will show Himself to you. So never compare. God knows what His children need. Just like you (if you are a parent) know how you comfort one child, or discipline one child, might not work for the other. You do what works for that individual child. God will speak to you in the way He knows you will hear.
Listen. Your Father is talking to you.
After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19: 12 NIV
Have you heard your Father speak to you? Mind sharing something He told you?