I begged and pleaded. That would not fix anything.
Those times usually resulted in us talking things through, of Patrick needing more information and me feeling all the shame of what I had done.
Anger fueled Patrick. I couldn’t blame him. I knew I did this to our marriage. I brought this on by my choices and there are consequences for turning away from God. Things weren’t going to be wonderful, I disobeyed my Savior. I grieved Him.
I didn’t always react in the best way either. I would get angry. I was changing, couldn’t Patrick see that? My outbursts didn’t help Patrick and only caused more tension and stress between us. We wondered if things would ever be normal again.
And what did normal look like? Was normal our life before the affair, because that didn’t work out so well?
My birthday is in the summer and Deanna heard that Tenth Avenue North was coming to a town near us and the tickets were really cheap.
The day after my birthday we went and saw them. I needed that concert. I cried and danced. All the songs that God used to speak to me I heard in person.
At that concert they played a song that had not been released yet. I felt like the words were written just for me. The song is called You Are More. I desperately wanted those words to be true. But could I believe it? Was I remade, was I new?
Most days I still didn’t feel new.
I prayed Psalm 142:7 again and again. The verse became my cry on days I felt like I couldn’t escape the horrible thoughts that invaded my mind.
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
At our first meeting with our counselor she told us about a book Torn Asunder. I highly recommend this book for any couple suffering through any type of affair.
Hidden in that book is a verse that would forever change the way Patrick and I saw my affair. I am sure I heard the verse before but now this verse spoke to us in a new way.
The verse was Genesis 50:20.
In that book we found the verse that would become the foundation for this blog.
At that point I didn’t want to tell anyone what I had done. My parents could never know. I was the child who didn’t make bad choices, or at least I was good at hiding them. My church couldn’t know, what would they think of their worship leader? My Pastor couldnt’ know, we were good friends with him.
But God knew that verse would change our lives.
Genesis 50:20 is our lifeline. We believe in that verse with all our being. We didn’t know how God was going to use our pain for good. What we did know is that God keeps His promises. If he said our heartache will be used for good then we believed Him.
I am so excited to share the next part with you. God is about to do some crazy stuff!
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20 NIV
Can you share a song that you felt was written just for you? Come on, don’t be shy : )