Sorry this Genesis 5020 has been slow in coming. Life has a been a little busy but hopefully we’re back on track now.
Surprisingly enough, I did graduate high school. I wanted to go to college, I remember that desire being there. But I had no idea how to make that happen since we had no money and I knew neither of my parents would help me out. And my grades certainly weren’t good enough to even consider a scholarship.
But I remember a hunger inside of me for more. More than what I saw every day, more than what I was living. Yet, I saw no escape, no way out.
Mom made it clear that she didn’t want me living with her once I was out of school so I packed my bags and moved to a bigger city couple of hours away from our small town.
I ended up sleeping on the street for a few nights as I looked for a job. I found one at a fast food place. The manager noticed I didn’t put an address down. He asked me about it and I told him until I got some money I didn’t have an address. He offered to let me stay with him.
He seemed nice enough. He was a lot older than me but at least it was some place to stay.
I quickly learned staying with him wasn’t free. Just as I had always known but kept hoping I was wrong, he wanted something in return and I felt I needed to give that to him. So I did.
He eventually grew tired of me and kicked me out but by that time I had saved up some money and found a cheap apartment.
I continued to hook up with different men I worked with. It didn’t matter how old, or if they were married. I craved attention and I would take it in any form I could receive it.
I did try to talk myself out of being with men. After one relationship ended and the emptiness crept in I would tell myself the pain wasn’t worth it and I just wouldn’t date anyone. But the hunger always returned. I wanted to be loved so badly. So the next time a man looked my way I would give in and find myself still living this crazy cycle that wore me out and left me empty.
After living this way for so long I was wearing out. One Sunday morning I woke up to a wife coming home and beating the snot out of me. I staggered out of the home, bruised and bloody.
What was I doing? How did I get here? I hated it but didn’t know where to turn.
As I stumbled down the sidewalk trying to find my car, I couldn’t remember where I parked it, my eyes finally looked up and I saw a cross.
The cross was sitting on top of a church.
I froze and immediately the words from that scrap of paper I threw away all those years ago came back to me.
God loved the world. I was in the world.
Could He possibly love someone like me? Did He really send his Son to die for someone like me? My own father didn’t love me how could this person that I don’t even know love me? Especially after all I had done. But I needed to know.
I watched as people walked into the building. My heart ached. I wanted to follow. But what would people think of me?
I heard the voice like a whisper. But so clear.
Slowly, my feet shuffled forward.
Hope. I wanted to know there was hope. Even for someone like me.
I moved toward the doors and entered the church.
And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:12 NLT