So many times I have stood in stage as I lead worship and told the congregation that God is good. No matter where you are God is still good. I said this from a place of comfort in my life. Nothing was going on to challenge that…until October 3rd.
My daughter plays volleyball, she has since 5th grade. We have watched her grow from the shortest girl on the team who was easily overlooked to the MVP her sophomore year. From athlete of the week her junior year to securing a position at the collegiate level. Her senior year was supposed to be her year to shine, to build her stats, be captain, maybe even be MVP again.
It all started before the school year. Twins moved to our small town, twins who had already been recruited to a D1 school, twins who are over six feet tall. My daughter is barely 5’7″. She was unsure what that meant for her since one of the girls played her position and the girls kind of changed the dynamic of the team.
She did get voted captain and we were so happy for her. But she sat more then normal this year, no one (not even other parents) understood why.
Then on October 3rd we went to a volleyball game that we were sure would be an easy win. The first set our girls dominated. They started the 2nd set and were winning again. My daughter got set, she went up to spike it, came down and went all they way to the floor.
Initially I thought she hurt her ankle, she had done that the previous year but then I realized it was her knee. My momma heart wanted to run on the court but I let the trainer and coach do their job, hoping she would stand up soon and be fine, but finally the coach motioned us over.
This is still hard to write, it still hurts to relive.
I took her hand, but she wasn’t really crying, so I took that as a good sign. The trainer thought she might have just popped her knee cap out. She recommended a place for us to go the next day.
I laid hands on her knee that night and prayed for a miracle. I was so sure God wouldn’t let it be anything too bad, that He might even heal her instantly or at least by the next morning.
My husband took her to the doctors and the texts started rolling in: “It doesn’t look good.” “Could be anywhere from six weeks to nine months for recovery.” “MRI at one ‘o clock.”
I wanted to just break down and cry. No, I prayed, this shouldn’t be happening. But I had a room full of a students and had to sub on my conference hour, I couldn’t cry, there was no time
Did I mention homecoming was October 5th?
We got the call around three o’clock that she tore her ACL and meniscus. She would need surgery and possibly take 6-9 months for recovery.
Her high school volleyball season was over.
Musical is questionable.
Her senior year.
I was mad.
I was mad at God.
If He can bring the dead to life, open the eyes of the blind, make the lame walk, why couldn’t he heal my child? A child he “supposedly” loves more than I do? Yes, I was questioning this.
I was finally able to break down and then it was hard to shut it off. I never cried in front of my daughter, I didn’t want her to know how sad I was, or that I was questioning God’s goodness. But I most definitely was…I was questioning everything I knew to be true.
How could He care for her more than me when He allowed this to happened, if I had the power to stop it I would have. I don’t believe He caused it but He didn’t stop it either, He could have stopped it, but he didn’t. Why?
I asked that question over and over.
I do believe God is good. But on Sunday it was hard to stand on stage and sing those words. How ironic (or not) that I chose that song on Monday, before any of this happened, but God knew it would happen and He knew I would struggle with it. My heart was broken.
My daughter though…she is one strong woman. Her spirits have been pretty good, she has her moments, but she still went to homecoming. The other night during the volleyball game she was an encourager to her teammates. Without this moment I don’t think I would have realized how strong she is.
I keep remembering what this blog is named after: Genesis 5020.
I know the enemy caused this, not God. The enemy wants to harm her but God will use this for good. I don’t know what that is right now. And it’s still hard to believe that good can come from this set back, but if I don’t have God, I have nothing.
Another irony (or not) my son asked me recently what my greatest fear was and without thought I said something bad happening to my kids. I also read recently your greatest fear reveals where you trust God the least…hmmm.
On a long walk Sunday afternoon I surrendered my daughter to Jesus. It wasn’t easy, it was through tears and heartache. But I need to remember He REALLY does love her more than I do and want the best for her.
So is God good?
Yes, He is.
I will continue to say that until I believe it again.
The good news is her recovery is projected for 5-6 months, the college coach still loves her and wants her, she will probably be able to do the musical. All is not lost and I realize it could be so much worse, I know families who have endured far more, my child can still walk and will play volleyball again, she isn’t dead or dying.
She will be fine and who knows, maybe someday she will share her Genesis 5020 on this blog 🙂
Here is the song I had to sing this Sunday, maybe you need to hear it. Click here.