Last time I wrote I left off with June 12. I drove away from the other man’s house feeling like a dead woman.
That evening I went to get groceries with my family. I clearly see me with my kids reaching for some cheese and thinking I feel nothing. I feel dead. I felt so empty walking around the grocery store, surrounded by people but having no clue who I was anymore.
The power that revived me the week before was zapped from my being. Where did the power go? When did it leave me?
Later that night I drove to my friend’s house to confess, for the first time, what I had done. On my way there I was listening to Tenth Avenue North (they had become my lifeline) and the song Times began playing. The words asked “what I have become?” The question penetrated into my soul and I cried.
Who was I?
I didn’t like me.
I didn’t want to be me.
Maybe I would get in a car accident, die and no one would know what a horrible person I had become.
My children would never have to know that I betrayed their father in the worst way possible.
Who could ever love me?
Who could ever forgive me?
I couldn’t forgive myself.
Why did I do this?
These thoughts and questions ran through my mind as I drove to my friend’s house.
I told her everything.
I didn’t tell her I had just been with the man hours earlier. How could I? I was so ashamed. And at that point Patrick didn’t know I was with the man that day.
I didn’t know if I wanted my marriage or if I still wanted out. But I knew I needed help, I needed prayer.
I will forever be grateful to Deanna for being there for me that day. If she hadn’t been who knows where I would be now. I believe that night my heart started to turn back to God.
The next day was our anniversary, June 13. We talked about going out earlier in the week and we decided to give it a try. I have no idea why. I guess I hoped for something normal. But nothing was normal anymore.
Just before everything happened a friend of mine (Kellie) told me about a song she would love our worship team to do. She sent me some links. I had no clue this song would become my life blood on June 13. The song was Revelation Song, if you click here, you will see the video I watched continuously that day. The way the singer worships, I was drawn to it.
Patrick and I went out that night. I was still dead. Sexual sin does kill you. There is no other way to say it. It takes what once was alive and destroys. I was destroyed.
Little did I know God had me right where He wanted me.
Patrick mentioned last week we went to a bookstore that night. I was searching for something while I was there. Something that would tell me who I was.
I came across a book His Princess Bride: Love Letters from Your Prince by Sherri Rose Shepherd.
I looked at it and thought, yes, I need to know…am I a princess? I didn’t feel like one but if there was any chance I needed to know.
I took the book to Patrick and he made some comment that was not encouraging and I said, “Never mind.” But I was thinking, what is the point, I am not princess, not after what I did.
I placed the book on the shelf, feeling angry with Patrick and angry at myself.
Patrick must have picked up on my anger. He found the book and we purchased it. (More on that next week)
June 14 was a Sunday and I had to lead worship. I awoke to my clock radio playing Chris Rice’s Untitled Hymn.
I laid in my bed with my husband’s arm drapped over me and tears wet my pillow as I listened to the words of that song.
I see now how my Father was wooing me back to Him. For the first time, as I write these words I see. He used music, the one thing He knew I would listen to, and drew me into His embrace. Wow.
That morning we sang Hallelujah by Tenth Avenue North. Again, a line in that song speaks about God loving us after all we have done.
I was overcome with emotion. With truth.
Did God still love me?
For the first time in a month God allowed me to speak to His children on a Sunday morning. That is another post I will have to write, but for a month leading up to all this I didn’t speak to the congregation. I see now how God was protecting them, even before I was falling into darkness. He takes care of His children. He would not let me speak when I was not repenting.
I believe that Sunday my heart started to change. I began to come to God with a heart of repentance, that is why He opened my mouth and allowed me to speak to His people after my silence.
I had a long way to go and many struggles ahead, but the journey had begun.
Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days. Then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” “But Rabbi,”they said, “a short while ago the Jews tried to stone you,and yet you are going back there?” Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours of daylight? A man who walks by day will not stumble, for he sees by this world’s light. It is when he walks by night that he stumbles, for he has no light.” After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friendLazarus has fallen asleep;but I am going there to wake him up.”His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” 13 Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep. So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” John 11:5-15
Have you ever felt God wooing you? What did He do to bring you to Him? Or what is He doing now?