Last week was tough. The enemy attacked Patrick and I like crazy. Not only with memories but I also became very sick. Not a great weekend at the Finnegan’s.
I titled this week Dying because the week following everything that happened I began to die to myself.
Sunday, June 7, 2009 I told Patrick I wanted out of our marriage. We went to sleep that night not knowing what was going to happen between us.
When Patrick came home from work the next day, he came to me with a notebook. He started to write down his prayers. This would become a lifeline for him in the following days, weeks and months.
He was broken.
And he didn’t even know the extent of what I had done. So I thought.
He told me he wanted to give up some strongholds in his life. I honestly saw that as his way of trying to trick me to stay with him. Now I know God was working on him.
Patrick decided we needed to start doing nightly devotions together. That was the last thing I wanted to do with him. I said “Fine but don’t expect me to pray or anything.”
I couldn’t understand why he even tried to be with me. Why would he want to be with someone like me? Why didn’t he just let me go?
My heart was cold.
When Patrick tried to talk to me I would stare at anything but him and I just wanted to run.
Patrick told me to run. Run away from the sin, he said. I just wanted to run away from him.
On June 9 I as I was getting ready for work I saw on my vanity an index card that read: The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. Deuteronomy 7:6 NIV
Patrick had placed the card there. I read it and thought those words were not for me. Not after what I had done. I am no ones treasure. Yet, I had no desire to leave my life of sin. I just thought that was who I had become. I was an adulteress.
I remember Patrick kneeling beside me that morning. The memory will forever be etched on my heart.
I looked into his blue eyes.
I see so clearly, his beautiful blue eyes that I fell in love with the first time I saw him. His beautiful eyes that both my children possess. His blue eyes that held so much sadness. Pain. Confusion.
He knelt beside me and said, “I forgive you. I forgive you for everything.”
I looked at him. I am sure with dead eyes and said nothing.
I knew there was no way he could forgive me. Not if he knew what I had done.
On my way to work that day I listened to Tenth Avenue North. Every song on their CD spoke to me. I arrived at work knowing what I needed to do.
I would end the other relationship. I knew I was missing a love affair with my Heavenly Father and I was trying to meet those needs through a person.
I composed a beautiful email to the other man telling him I needed to stop what I was doing. I needed to focus on my relationship with Jesus.
I pushed send.
I wish I could tell you that was the end.
Within minutes I felt powerless. What had I done? I just gave all my power away.
I quickly typed a new email telling the man I didn’t know what I wanted.
I lived in a state of complete darkness. The power I felt was great. I clung to it. I believed I finally was becoming the person I was meant to be.
This all seems silly now, but when you are in darkness you can’t see the truth.
Patrick had figured out the full extent of what I had done without me telling him anything. I tried to deny the depth of my deception for the whole week. But the Holy Spirit was speaking to Patrick in an unbelievable way.
He had gotten me to agree to counseling and if I still wanted out of the marriage after counseling I could leave. I was sure I would be out of there. No amount of counseling would change what I knew to be true
Patrick begged me to talk to a friend. I refused. How could I admit what I had done to my closest friend? I worked so hard at hiding it.
Friday, June 12 rolled around. I did email my friend and asked her to get together that night so I could talk to her. I told her I was in a mess. The funny this is, she normally goes out of town that weekend every year to celebrate her sons birthday. That year it didn’t work out and she was home. God knew. He knew I would need her. He is so good.
Before I met my friend on June 12 I met the other man once again.
Truly, I wanted to go and tell him that Patrick and I were going to get counseling for a while and then I would be back.
From my past I knew what he expected and I felt I couldn’t tell him no. I was with the man again.
When I pulled away from the man’s house that day I pulled away as a dead woman. Death consumed me.
Next week I would like to have Patrick share with you what was going on with him during that week. God was working in him in such a powerful way.
I want to thank you all for sharing this journey with us. I know some of you are very surprised by the things being revealed. I am being obedient to God. He has commanded Patrick and I to share this story. So we are.
If you think of it please pray for us. Reliving this is very difficult. The enemy loves putting negative thougths in our heads, making us question why we are doing this to ourselves. But we know we are doing exactly what God has told us to do. We are living our Genesis 5020.
Now a man named Lazarus was sick……So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.” When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days. John 11:1-4 NIV
Have you ever had a time in your life that you felt you were dying to yourself? What did that feel like?